Exhaustion or Exhilaration

God has blessed my family with a new home. Yay! It has a bit more space, an extra bedroom and fit our price range exactly.

I love when this happens, when the creator of the universe coordinates seemingly unrelated events to execute a blessing in the lives of His children.

For those of you who don't know, we live in a small home, 2 bedrooms, and have ago long outgrown this situation. While we love our house and have enjoyed making memories here, we began to pray for a bigger, more suitable home for our family size. Since all four of my daughters share one bedroom, and have done so for years, we are a very close knit group with little privacy.  Our tiny home has been enjoyable for years and we have moments when we just scream inside that we are out of space. We have never been the couple that wanted a huge home, just room to put our feet up as we watch our girls live and grow around us. This newer home is that perfect solution for us. It has three bedrooms, a bigger living area and a beautiful sliding glass door in the eat-in kitchen.

 I can't wait until we can be there creating new memories.

During this transition, we moved into our camper and began the packing process. This was going to be a very short term temporary living arrangement, think 4-5 days, that went on for over a month. (I thought the old house was small aaahhhh)

This blessing has brought me to my knees. Literally in exhaustion and spiritually in prayer for energy to make it through,. 

One Sunday after service was over and we said our goodbyes to everyone, I sat at the computer in the church office to type in four short numbers for some record keeping tasks and fell asleep, as did my whole family. I didn't realize how tired I have become in all this back and forth, staying in the camper, continuing on our regular schedule and being faced with delay after delay in the process of actually getting into our new place.

While it is an exhilarating thought to have more living area I have to ask myself, "Am I really living?"

In between soccer practice, painting, organizing kids church classes, preparing camper meals, teaching art classes and all the other worthwhile causes, I have lost it again,. Every so often I have to take an inventory of my life and do some serious cuts to the things I love. There are so many great causes to get behind, endless activities for my children to join, and less and less of myself to give to these things. So I ask myself again, am I really living? This amazing new home will be a major blessing for my family, but at the moment all I can do is beg God for the energy to get out of bed and the grace to deal with my wonderful kids. 

All to often I am here, listing the obligations I have taken on. And each time I narrow down the number to a reasonable amount, I find myself living a life of beauty and grace. 

A life where God seems to be around every corner, under every blade of grass, in the eyes of my daughters and husband. 

When was the last time I felt that way, that God was right here and I had nothing blocking my communication with Him? So I pray for all of us in this busy lifestyle, where things are so easily added, that we can all make the right choice on what is and is not important. I pray that each of us can live life the way it is meant to be, not just piling on the "good stuff" to say we have it, but really looking at those in front of us, living and growing together. God is right here with us

Reproducible Discipleship

Two years ago when my husband was hired as the pastor at our church, he was given a vision to disciple all the world as Jesus commissioned the church in Mark 15:16. Ok, so realistically, he is not going to every door in the entire land and walking them through spiritual truths and life lessons. So how does this vision come to fruition?

How do you disciple the world when you live in a small town, extremely unconnected from any metropolis and don't have a large online following? 

Through months of prayer, studying the Bible and opening conversations with other church leaders, it comes down to the easiest job ever given to the church. Discipleship is not hard, it is incredibly natural, it is an organic part of our walk in this life. Even if you are not into the Christian lifestyle, discipleship is happening, but outside the church walls it is known as mentoring. 

Here it is, the easiest way to create disciples. Develop relationships.

Let's take all the nonsense out of discipleship by making it reproducible for anyone who is interested in mentoring someone. Start by knowing that each of us should have a mentor and be a mentor. You can mentor more than one person although, I tend to only disciple a few people at a time. Considering Jesus had 12 full time disciples and didn't have a 100% success rate (remember Judas) I keep my group to no more than 5. This is not a hard cut off, because if the door was opened I would prayerfully take on more. 

Where are the disciples coming from? Those you work with, those you live next to, youth in your family or your neighborhood, really anywhere you are living, there is an opportunity to teach your skills to someone. Start with common ground. I have started mentoring through teaching someone to knit, hiking with people, creating art, cooking together; something tangible that gives the relationship a reason to exist. Then you open your heart and open a dialogue.

Begin to share life lessons, Biblical truths and always love. 

While there is a place for organized discipleship study, there is also a place for that daily learning, sharing hearts and doing life together. To share Biblical truths, start in the Bible, read through Matthew together. Study it and let it play out however long it takes. You can use a curriculum, just remember to let programs go when they have served their purpose. 

Don't let a good program take place of great relationships. 

As you walk through either one, teach those you are mentoring to find someone to mentor. The goal is to create disciples that create disciples. This is how we are going to reach the whole world. Each of reaches four or five, who all reach four or five. 

The love of God can be heard of through sermons, podcasts, videos or curriculum; however the love of God is experienced in relationships with each other.  

Holding it all in

"What is Empathy?"

I asked my daughters this question recently and got some interesting answers. My 7 year old said "Isn't it sympathy?" I asked her what she thought that meant. She thought it meant simplicity. Well apparently her word association runs off sounds. (I smile and wait for the others to answer) 

My 9 year old said, "I really don't know" An honest answer to be sure. I love when my children can be humble enough to admit they are don't have the right answers. (I'm still working on that within myself sometimes.) 

My 11 year old says as she's skipping by, "It means when someone is sad, you feel sad too." Well there it is, an answer that is close, in most cases close enough, but that's where I got myself into trouble. By being close enough to empathy and missing it altogether. 

Empathy is not feeling the same as others, but rather understanding the feelings and emotions of others. Lately I have confused this within my own life. My husband and I seem to be the people that others go to to vent, to let out their frustrations. This has been going on long before he was a pastor. All these years of listening to people, praying with them and sending encouragement their way has been a training ground for the past year. These tales come in all shapes and sizes. In part they are all tragic, difficult and even quite humorous at times.  Each prayer I have spoken, each hug given, each word of encouragement or a smile offered to those in front of me looking for a way out has begun to grow in me. Not in a beautiful way which spawns from the interaction with the other souls wandering this planet, but in a heavy way of not knowing how to solve the problem or rid them of all their tears.

Along the way I have forgotten that I am not here to fix everything, but to simply be a servant to help the hurting find their way to the One who can fix it. 

The last part of 2017 brought with it many tears through a series of tragic events surrounding my family.  While my family has come across this tumultuous sea seemingly unscathed, I continue to encounter those whose faces hold a dark grief that won't heal, in both faces of acquaintances and those deeply close to my heart.  Through each of these days I have prayed for the hurting, listened to those weeping, made dinners for the grieving all the while piling their burdens on my shoulders thinking I had the way out or that I was stronger than them in this moment.

When did I begin to think that I could fix everything and be there for everyone? 

It is impossible to look another human in the eyes and not see the pain and joy they hold, that is one reason we gather in groups. It is built into our human nature to be part of a community and I believe it is for this reason here. When we are hurting we can reach out to those around us to pickup the slack when we can't take another step for the day. The trouble I have found myself in as of late is that I have been picking up the slack for so many people, even those who have not asked and won't let go of the pain I know they are feeling. It is one thing to act in empathy towards one another, to understand why we have bad days and offer grace to those hurting. It is quite another to think I can fix it all. 

Just like my 8 year olf, who confused the definition, I have also confused it, not on paper, rather in practice. It has taken me some personal time of reflection to let go of the pain these people are feeling and allow them to walk through the healing process that we have all walked through at some point in our lives.  

It is not my place to take on my neighbors suffering, it is my assignment to offer understanding, to be gracious when they run out of courteous words or actions while toiling through their personal battles.

I will continue to think of those struggling each day, wondering if there will be enough money to make rent, or staring at the empty seat across the table, or drudging through the debris of a failing marriage. I can not fix everything. I can only be there when called on and trust that God will fill in the gaps where community fails. 
I challenge you to look your neighbor in the eye and truly listen to them speak to you. Make a conscious effort to notice those around you in the stores, the gas station everywhere you exist. These are not just the faces of empty strangers, but the faces of creation just as you are. Don't take on their troubles, rather listen to them, hear their cries, point them in the right direction, pass out smiles and hugs, make dinners, and most importantly pray. Try not to fall into this place where, like me, you take responsibility for other people's well-being, it is not your job, not mine. It is God's and God's alone to help them in the depth of their soul, where only He can reach. 

Be blessed and find something beautiful. If you can't, then create something beautiful.

Sonder

I tend to avoid made up words, however this one calls to me. It is found in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, similar to the Urban Dictionary. 

Sonder is the sudden realization that everyone around you has a complex and vivid life. 

This occurs in my mind quite often. I think of those around me while stopped at red lights, or while waiting in line to buy my groceries. Maybe its my way of passing time. This last week that was taken one step further when I realized that not only do all of these beautiful faces I pass have lives attached to them, they also hurt and experience pain. 

Why have I never thought of this before. Each smile or scowl found on a strangers face represents an event that I may never know about. 

I did the only thing I knew how to do in that instant.. I began praying for each person I passed. I asked God to speak to them where they are, meet the need to a problem they are facing and being peace to those who appeared tormented. In some way I began to feel better that maybe my silent requests to God were actually doing good in their lives. Then I began to pray more specifically about those I know, the situations I am aware of. 

At this my heart broke. I nearly began to cry right there in the grocery store. 

The thought of people I know facing trials of various kinds gave me another overwhelmed feeling. How does God keep all this straight? How can He support those who are hurting and rejoice with those who are victorious? Well first, He is God... I mean come on. Then the idea that we are all here together gave me hope. God will use each one of us to be that solid rock for the mother who just lost her child, or that smile and laughter for the couple who just married. We are the hands and feet of God. 

If you are close enough to share oxygen with someone, you are close enough to effect their life. Will your influence be one people look forward to, or will it be one to avoid?

Each day presents an opportunity to share life with family, friends, strangers. MY daughter makes it a point to give a compliments to each person she interacts with. Not everyone takes this well but most people do. In addition to praying for those in close proximity or those in your heart, I encourage you to take time for a smile. Give away as many as you can, they're free after all.

Where in the world?

So I know it has been a while since the last post and I would like to say that it is because I have been so busy since that seems like a valid reason for skipping out on most obligations or commitments. Well, truth be told, I have been busy, but I was busy when I wrote the last one, so that is not the reason for avoiding this page. The real reason lies somewhere in the imagined reality that I have created to shield myself from being to vulnerable.

It is scary to write and have thoughts, normally hidden from the rest of humanity, put to paper and exposed to the world. (or in my case the few of you who have chosen to read this) 

So after seeing the number of readers grow, I freaked out. I know, isn't the whole reason for a blog so people can read your ideas and share them and in turn become rich and famous? Perhaps that holds true for most bloggers out there, however in my case I am doing this because I am reminded of the need to step out of my comfort zone and experience situations and events I generally hide from. So I am back, until my brain decides to rationalize the need to run back to my cave and hide from the big scary world, which hopefully does not happen again.

It is so easy to stay in the routine of life and avoid those people or places that are unfamiliar while pretending to be a strong woman, full of vigor and life, ready to tackle the biggest challenges. And while that may hold a flicker of truth, in reality I only take on what i know I can beat.

It is hard to start a project or follow through with a dream not knowing if it will turn out as expected. 

I have encountered a few people in whom no fear exists, or at least this is the appearance from my point of view. These select few can run out into the dark unknown and take over the situation with resolve that comes from some undisclosed source. I am reminded of the story of Paul and Barnabas in the Acts 13:2-3 of the Bible. 

"While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, 'Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.' So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off." 

They were sent out to a place they had not previously lived. There is so much in the small word of the Bible that can be missed if rushing through and hitting the highlights. Here it says they were fasting when they heard the call. The two did not immediately get up and run from the building to go out into all the world. First they finished the task at hand, they finished fasting and praying. Again, the two did not rush along to the call of taking the Gospel across the world, they sought the support of their companions, their friends. In the last line it says "they placed their hands on them and sent them off"

The two Apostles sought out their friends for prayer and support before heading out. 

Were Paul and Barnabas nervous to go out and preach the good news to far away lands? What were they thinking when the Holy Spirit spoke to them? I can tell you I would have been sandwiched between excitement and resistance. To have the opportunity of being chosen to do such an amazing job, to take the news of Jesus to those who hadn't heard before would have thrilled my heart. On the other hand, to face unknown places and people would have sent my mind into overdrive on the what if's. Isn't that what really hold us all back, the what if's? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I can't remember where to find the scripture when asked a question? What if I fail miserably? What if the business doesn't take off. What if this marriage plunders? In all we do, whether for the Gospel or for daily living, the thought of what could happen often gives way to not trying. Is it really easier to just put off the dream so we don't fail. I could insert a number of quotes about how failure is the lack of trying and mistakes only make us stronger, but I want to leave you with this. I understand the need to keep the boat steady and stay in charted waters close to home, but great things happen when we venture past our fears, our what if's and move into a place of living outside our cushy chairs. So shut off Netflix, look past your phone and see the wonder of the world waiting for you to leave your mark. 

Pray Without Ceasing

"Teach me the patience of unanswered prayers" 

During our homeschool hours my family studies hymns, choosing a new one each month, and this month's has been eye opening. My daughters and I have been listening to "Spirit of God Descend Upon My Heart" written by George Croly. This line, above, brings me to my knees in humility. God always answers our prayer, albeit not always as we hope. There are times He says no or to wait on Him a little longer. How dare I say to God that I want my answer now, when He has a purpose for for this trial I am in? So looking forward to see how much more appreciation will come after the testing produces perseverance in my soul, I wait for the result while learning along the journey.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 

It is incredibly hard to rejoice when I look at the situations occurring in my family. Now I could list all that I am dealing with, but let's face it, we are all going through something that is testing us. The testing of our faith produces perseverance (James 1:3) This pain and this trial will make each of us a better person, it will build our character, but it sucks is dreadful right now. There is no time limit on God's tests, but for a year I have prayed vigorously only to have my cries met with silence. During this time, I have seen God move in ways that were helpful and encouraging, but not in the answer I need, okay, want. 

Rejoice Always

So I ask myself a question, not to be rhetorical or pitiful, rather to truly find the answer. How can I rejoice right now, knowing what I know, about the situation I lift up in prayer to God each day. Well, the answer came to me almost too easily; the joy of a Christian is not based on outside circumstances. If my husband never finds full time work, I will still serve God and trust Him. God was not shocked by the circumstances of this last year, He was not caught off guard with the second job loss, instead He knew these were coming. He knew then and He knows now what is next. So I can rejoice that He loves me and hears my prayers and has a plan for my family. 

Pray Without Ceasing

There are times when asking someone to pray feels like a cheap imitation of the real thing. We all know at least one person who will filibuster the prayer service with empty words that are redundant so they don't "lose the floor." 😉If I talk to God all the time, will I run out of things to say, will I become redundant? The answer is no, plain and simple, no. Talking to God and taking time to listen will only grow and deepen the relationship with Him. While we  can't get on our knees with our eyes closed every minute of the day, we can bring our thoughts to God. Prayer without ceasing is more of a habit of taking all things to God, in all situations. It is not about filling the air with nonsense, its not an attempt to obstruct God from hearing someone else,
through big words and grand gestures. Prayer is pouring my heart out to the One that can do something about it. 

Give thanks in all circumstances

This may come across as being an optimist at heart. That's not it exactly, giving thanks for all circumstances is vastly different than giving thanks in all circumstances. I don't thank God for the health issues my husband faces, I thank Him for the support and guidance as we figure it out. I don't thank God for low income, I thank Him as we dream, plan and take action for more. 

It is possible to rejoice during hard times, to pray when everything is spinning out of control and to thank God for things unseen. Its not always easy, but it always possible. 

Have a beautiful week

Stephanie

Cultivating Faithfulness

Over the summer I had the opportunity to visit a friend in Missouri. She lives in a beautiful place, full of lush green grass, majestic trees and smiling faces. While we were there, us ladies went to the local winery. This land was filled with skilled landscaping, and a handsome deck overlooking the valley. It was just the sort of rest I needed, a break from the rough patch my family was in, and far away from the coarse dirt where I live.  I can only image the amount of work and hours of labor it took to create and to maintain this serene landing. I was thinking of this small town while focusing on Psalm 37:3 last week each day as I went about my normal, somewhat sporadic, routine. 

"Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness."

The things I learned from reading this verse, writing it down each night, and meditating on it throughout the day, are more than I could write in one post. a short post anyway...  

My life right now is not where I thought it would be a year ago. 12 months ago my husband had a good job and we had a goal we were working towards. By the end of January 2016, he had been laid off due to a reduction of force, and our life changed dramatically. We were not completely caught off guard, as our community has been facing a rapid decline for a while, so we had a back up plan. A few changes in our lifestyle, and we were fine...for a few months anyway. As the seasons changed from winter to spring to summer, we were starting to feel the tightening in our home. Just in the nick of time my husband landed a job! Thank God! I went to work creating a new plan that would get us back on track in no time at all. Just two and half months into this job, he was fired. What!

This can't be possible, to lose two jobs in one year. So out went the plan, again. 

Not much has changed since that dreadful day in November, but we are still here. I have been trying to switch my focus to what I have, not what we need. A small, yet effective part of throwing out the plan and refocusing, has been a weekly memory verse. But it has become so much more than that. I think about the verse, put it on my fridge, read it over and over, and study it. 

"Trust in the Lord"

God has shown me that it is not my job to plan the future. It is my job to trust His plan for my future, and the future of my family.  It is imperative to believe the God of the universe, the creator of my family and myself, had a plan when He put us here. It is easy to say "I trust God" when you have the money in the bank and a plan with potential to work out. When these two things are lacking, and there seems to be no way to get to that point, that is when truly trusting God comes into play. 

 "and do good"

Another layer to this verse is "do good."  Laying aside my plans and ideas was not so easy for me to do. I begrudgingly tossed my planning notebook aside but did not off my complaints. Waking up each day was getting harder and harder. I found us all sleeping in a little more each day. Along with the heavy sleep cycle my family was caught in, the chores and home tasks began to slide away. At one point, I looked around my house and saw chaos. It hit me that God is not a God of chaos, He has a plan. Things not going my way did not give me the privilege to throw a fit like a small child. I had to change my cycle and begin to do good. 

"Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness"

Until something changes in my circumstance, I am where I am. We no longer have a solid executable plan to buy a bigger house so my four children don't have to share a single bed

room. We will continue to drive an older vehicle with minor issues. While I look forward to the day when my dreams come to fruition, I can be here and now and still be faithful to where God has placed me. Today is just as important as the future, if not more. Choices made today will direct the path I go down tomorrow. I can be faithful in my small house and take extra care with my vehicle. For a short time, I found it hard to dream, to look ahead with anticipation, but now I can see my family in a new home, a newer vehicle and still serving God with all the faithfulness we are cultivating today. 

God is teaching me to worship in my home, not just at church. That reading the Bible is vital to me existence, and memory verses are not just for Sunday school. 

I pray this encourages you to move ahead even if that means being content staying where God has you now. 

Stephanie